I already knew that, but still tried.
I met Lucas two years ago. I used the infamous Tinder dating app in meeting him. He seemed like a nice guy so I agreed to go out for a concert next to my place one night.
Right from the start, Lucas spoiled me, treating me like the only girl in the world on just the first date. He met me there with some friends but ignored all of them, acting like we were a couple since five years before (and we genuinely seemed like one). I thought it was sweet.
But I knew right there on that first date – I should have been more excited about it. He treated me like a queen. I knew I wasn’t that attracted to him looks-wise or personality-wise, but I felt I should give him a shot. Why? Because he treated me REALLY GOOD. He knew how to make me laugh, adored me, listened to me when I was upset, was emotionally supportive, was sweet to my breakdowns, complimented me, was eager to show me to his family. The guy even used to play my favourite songs on guitar for me, what used to go so well with his fantastic rockstar hair. He made it hard to leave. Especially during the time when I was struggling emotionally.
So I waited.
And I kept dating him. And I kept dating him. And I spent more time with him. He asked us to be in a serious relationship. I said yes, and I focused on the things I did like.
So where did it all go wrong and when? Well, I would say from the start.
I should have told Lucas I wasn’t interested after that first date. I knew how I felt. I was only lying to myself thinking I could feel more than I did. I wasn’t interested romantically. But I thought I could grow feelings. I told my family I had met a great guy who treated me amazingly, but that my feelings weren’t that strong? No! I knew how rare it was to find someone who doesn’t play games and treats you well, so I thought I should wait, wait to grow feelings.
I know for experience you can grow to love a friend as more than a friend. So I continued to date Lucas, but all the time I felt tormented, knowing something was missing. I just didn’t love him. I had to face the lack of my feelings. Things would have been so much easier if I had loved him. He would have done anything for me. He did everything a man should do for the woman he loves. Everything. What girl wouldn’t want that?
Well, I felt terrible but made up my mind. I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him to his face, I knew he would not understand and I hate goodbyes so much, so I texted him. Now, before you judge me about breaking up with a man over a text, realize first, I am a writer. I write better than I speak. Writing allows me time to organize and present my thoughts. I wanted him to fully understand why I was leaving.
I sent my text. It was long, kind, and thorough. I hit send and ran into my bed covering myself with my blanket. I knew a bomb was about to go off and I felt scared and awful. Well, Lucas as expected, didn’t understand shit and his reactions followed this sequence:
– Said he thought we would be together forever.
– Said he loved me.
We dated seriously for one month. Ok, we had been hanging for seven months, but we dated seriously for only one month, what the fuck was he saying? However, after some confusing messages, he said “I agree”. Then I was shocked. What the fuck did he agree with? Shouldn’t he be sad? Of course not. He didn’t love me too! When I understood what was happening, I felt amazingly good. We were all the time feeling exactly the same towards each other: we liked each other, wanted someone to pass the time, we were bored before and then decided that we had enough of that passtime.
We got lucky. We could have hurt each other, we could have created something terrible. I was relieved that none of us got hurt in the process. At the same time, it wasn’t flattering to know that he was feeling the same way I was – not feeling anything. I do know I will not ever do this again.
I hope Lucas will find what he’s looking for. I really do. He is a very kind and sweet human. I wish I had fallen for him. I know he would have treated me great. But I am that crazy person who shoots for the moon. I want that all-consuming-heart-breaking love. I want the whole package. And if I can’t find that, I can honestly say I’d rather be alone, because being in a relationship when you know you don’t feel as great as you should about it, sucks.