Feelings don’t grow

I already knew that, but still tried.

I met Lucas two years ago. I used the infamous Tinder dating app in meeting him. He seemed like a nice guy so I agreed to go out for a concert next to my place one night.

Right from the start, Lucas spoiled me, treating me like the only girl in the world on just the first date. He met me there with some friends but ignored all of them, acting like we were a couple since five years before (and we genuinely seemed like one). I thought it was sweet.

But I knew right there on that first date  – I should have been more excited about it. He treated me like a queen. I knew I wasn’t that attracted to him looks-wise or personality-wise, but I felt I should give him a shot. Why? Because he treated me REALLY GOOD. He knew how to make me laugh, adored me, listened to me when I was upset, was emotionally supportive, was sweet to my breakdowns, complimented me, was  eager to show me to his family. The guy even used to play my favourite songs on guitar for me, what used to go so well with his fantastic rockstar hair. He made it hard to leave. Especially during the time when I was struggling emotionally.

So I waited.

And I kept dating him. And I kept dating him. And I spent more time with him. He asked us to be in a serious relationship. I said yes, and I focused on the things I did like.

So where did it all go wrong and when? Well, I would say from the start.

I should have told Lucas I wasn’t interested after that first date. I knew how I felt. I was only lying to myself thinking I could feel more than I did. I wasn’t interested romantically. But I thought I could grow feelings. I told my family I had met a great guy who treated me amazingly, but that my feelings weren’t that strong? No! I knew how rare it was to find someone who doesn’t play games and treats you well, so I thought I should wait, wait to grow feelings.

I know for experience you can grow to love a friend as more than a friend. So I continued to date Lucas, but all the time I felt tormented, knowing something was missing. I just didn’t love him. I had to face the lack of my feelings. Things would have been so much easier if I had loved him. He would have done anything for me. He did everything a man should do for the woman he loves. Everything. What girl wouldn’t want that?

Well, I felt terrible but made up my mind. I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him to his face, I knew he would not understand and I hate goodbyes so much, so I texted him. Now, before you judge me about breaking up with a man over a text, realize first, I am a writer. I write better than I speak. Writing allows me time to organize and present my thoughts. I wanted him to fully understand why I was leaving.

I sent my text. It was long, kind, and thorough. I hit send and ran into my bed covering myself with my blanket. I knew a bomb was about to go off and I felt scared and awful. Well, Lucas as expected, didn’t understand shit and his reactions followed this sequence:

– Said he thought we would be together forever.
– Said he loved me.

We dated seriously for one month. Ok, we had been hanging for seven months, but we dated seriously for only one month, what the fuck was he saying? However, after some confusing messages, he said “I agree”. Then I was shocked. What the fuck did he agree with? Shouldn’t he be sad? Of course not. He didn’t love me too! When I understood what was happening, I felt amazingly good. We were all the time feeling exactly the same towards each other: we liked each other, wanted someone to pass the time, we were bored before and then decided that we had enough of that passtime.

We got lucky. We could have hurt each other, we could have created something terrible. I was relieved that none of us got hurt in the process. At the same time, it wasn’t flattering to know that he was feeling the same way I was – not feeling anything. I do know I will not ever do this again.

I hope Lucas will find what he’s looking for. I really do. He is a very kind and sweet human. I wish I had fallen for him. I know he would have treated me great. But I am that crazy person who shoots for the moon. I want that all-consuming-heart-breaking love. I want the whole package. And if I can’t find that, I can honestly say I’d rather be alone, because being in a relationship when you know you don’t feel as great as you should about it, sucks.

Anúncios

Do you know?

“Do you know who you are? Do you know what’s happened to you? Do you want to live this way? All it takes is one person, one patient, one moment to change your life forever. It can change your perspective, color your thinking. One moment that forces you to reevaluate everything you think you know. Do you know who you are? Do you know what’s happened to you? Do you want to live this way?”

Lost at sea

And I will wonder forever if I’ll see you again, or for six days, or for eight months, or for five years, or for the rest of my horrible, beautiful life. And other things will happen to me that are just as amazing and lovely and traumatizing as you have been, and I will tell you none of them. Maybe. And sometimes I try to stop speculating the future out of existence, and other times I just lean back and run with it because maybe it’s for the best.”

Bryan Lee O’malley, Lost at Sea.

Uma pequena lista de coisas que eu preferi não te dizer

Nem sempre temos a oportunidade de fazermos a nossa última declaração, ou de encerrar um assunto com tudo resolvido. De qualquer forma, mesmo quando temos a chance, ainda há palavras deixadas de lado.

Eu preferi não te dizer a razão de termos nos desviado um do outro. Eu não quero ter que te explicar que foi o seu comportamento narcisista e egoísta que me afastou de você. Não quero ter que te explicar que mesmo de longe eu sei que você continua igual, que sua ideia de amizade e compaixão é tão deturpada que você é apático a qualquer pessoa ou coisa que não revolva ao seu redor (tanto, que seria chocante para você ouvir isso, você não faz ideia). Não quero ser a pessoa que vai te contar que você só tem coragem nas pequenas coisas, que você é uma pessoa como qualquer outra. Eu preferi seguir em frente sem te dizer uma palavra sobre isso, porque, para falar a verdade, eu não acredito que isso teria qualquer efeito e você não faria nada para mudar, você não conseguiria.

Eu preferi não te dizer que mesmo que eu tenha construído tudo de novo depois de você, eu ainda não consegui voltar ao que eu era antes de te conhecer. Apesar de tudo, você faz com que eu sinta como se eu tivesse estragado o meu destino, como se eu tivesse pegado uma rua errada e nunca mais pudesse fazer o retorno. Não é um sentimento de tristeza, mas sim uma sensação de estar perdida e não ter um mapa para me guiar. Você faz com que eu me sinta corrompida, sem conserto.

Eu preferi não te dizer que cada passo que você dá é um pedaço que você tira de mim. É como se tudo que você fizesse fosse para me atingir, para me deixar pior. Eu sei que não é proposital, mas é isso que você faz. É como se você calculasse o momento exato para dizer ou fazer algo, para coincidir com o momento em que isso pudesse me afetar mais. Não faria sentido que te dissesse, uma vez que eu tenho plena consciência de que sou eu quem te dá todo esse poder, é a minha cabeça que te dá qualquer significância. Sem mim, você não existe.

Eu preferi não te dizer que você tornou a minha vida impossível. É engraçado, você me fez entender o significado de uma das minhas músicas favoritas depois de muito tempo. Eu sempre amei With or without you, mas sempre fiquei martelando na minha cabeça, “O que diabos esse cara quer dizer com isso? Como isso pode ser possível?“. Eu sei que você fez tudo o que podia, eu sei que você deu tudo o que tinha, o problema é que eu queria mais. Você tornou a minha vida impossível, eu não consigo viver com você e também não consigo viver sem você.

Essas palavras não ditas me ajudaram a barrar qualquer interferência que você pudesse ter na minha vida, te tiraram o direito da réplica para que eu pudesse seguir em frente. Eu preferi nunca te dizer que sinto sua falta também, mas porque não é isso o principal. Eu sinto mais falta de quem eu era antes de você. Também nunca te direi que tudo bem você não ter me escolhido, porque eu nunca precisei que você tivesse, eu só esperei.

A única coisa que eu te direi é: “boa sorte”, e você nunca vai saber quais as palavras por trás dessas.

She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.”